Exposure Therapy

Writing is a peculiarly intimate thing. People respond to emotion, to reality, to the messiness of life. Which for writers means that you end up putting a lot of yourself into your writing because that emotion has to come from someplace. Perhaps better writers than myself can manufacture emotion, but for me it is a deeply personal endeavor to blog. What you read with me is as likely to be buried somewhere within myself as it is to be something that I've observed elsewhere.

Sometimes my writing feels like I am selling bits of myself, pimping out thoughts or struggles for others to gawk at or scrutinize. There certainly is a voyeurism to reading about someone else's life, thoughts, or struggles. None of this is written in condemnation of any readers, but it is an observation about the lopsidedness of a relationship where I put myself out there in writing without reciprocation (feel free to use the comment section, hint hint).

I imagine much of this sense of voyeurism comes from my own insecurities. I write and publish in the hope that others will mirror those insecurities or struggles or thoughts and that my writing will somehow help them where they are at. At the same time, there is that bit of doubt or fear that such exposure is a set-up for condescension, for others to gain a sense of superiority.

The truth is probably that most people do connect in some manner in a helpful way but the lie of judgment is easier to believe.

For me, I can't always verbalize my thoughts or feelings well or in a timely manner and so I have continued writing even if it is just for myself. There is something empowering for my sometimes timid and anxious soul to project my voice for others to see even if it is poorly received.

One thing I have been learning through my journey with anxiety is that I have a certain idolatry of competence. I like to be or appear competent and in control in work, life, family, etc. Add it all up and the insecurity that I find in my writing makes a lot of sense.

Now to a certain degree my gifting and my choices have lined up where I do have a strong measure of competence with what I am faced with. However there are deeper places in my soul where that is not the case. It is in those places where my anxiety wells up as I fear being exposed in both my finite-ness and fallen-ness.

I think we all have a fear of being exposed or fully seen and known. Our limits and brokenness scare us so we assume that it most certainly will scare others. My insecurity over writing is no different than the almost universal fear of intimacy. We might not say, see or know it, but there are thoughts and struggles that we would rather remain hidden.

Ultimately this fear is rooted in a fear of being fully seen and know by a perfect and holy God. Adam and Eve after eating the fruit ran and hid but for all of us there will come a day when there will be no more hiding. Adam and Eve knew that their newly found fallen-ness was not something to be brought before a holy God. They and now we have been hiding ever since.

We hide from one another and from God in countless ways, far more than can be listed here. We can sense it when we hold back, or are brazen and bold, or carry ourselves with unwarranted bravado or mouse-like  timidity. Somewhere in the messy mix of all that, lie hidden things that we just don't want to deal with, certainly not in front of others. There are times even when we overshare and overexpose ourselves as a way of diverting attention from other faults or wounds we want to remain hidden.

There is good news in all of this, and of course it is the Good News! In Christ we are fully known and seen and exposed before the holy God and as he gazes upon us he sees not everything which we want to remain hidden but instead the glorious, radiant perfection of Christ in us.

We can carry our faults and insecurities lightly in Christ because we bear another burden, namely the light and easy yolk of Christ. There is something fear-shattering and shame-destroying about being in Christ. Being a new creation and having a new identity means that we can be exposed with no fear or anxiety. As Paul says, we can be poor, yet make many rich and have nothing and yet possess everything.

So, in Christ, I will continue to write, continue to get counseling, continue to confess and repent to God and others not simply to be known,  but to be redeemed. May God give you the courage to do the same. The exposure may end up saving your life.