Things I Didn't Know Before Having Kids

The list of things I wish I knew before becoming a parent grows longer by the day. I am by no means the brightest bulb, but going into parenting I figured that it can't be too hard to figure things out along the way. Naive perhaps, but it had already worked in marriage for me at that point.

Generally I am a pretty level-headed and rationale guy and I thought that would serve me well in parenting. The thing that I didn't know that someone, anyone (hello mom and dad!) could have warned me of was how babies and children take on personal missions to exhaust their parents. I've only got two right now, but working in tandem they have figured out how to exasperate and exhaust in ways I never thought possible! I never knew how 2 little girls whose cumulative weight is less than half of my own could ever prove to be such formidable foes to my energy and stamina.

All of my parenting has involved what-not-to-do and I-wish-knew-that-earlier moments. Learning how absolutely exhausting kids are is only one little example from a litany of things learned as a parent. Some of the lessons I've learned were predictable, some were surprising, and some belong in a category of their own: things that if I knew beforehand would have made me reconsider our choice to have children.

Not wanting other parents-to-be to go into things similarly uninformed I've collected some of the lessons that belong in the "I wish I knew this sooner" category.

• Kids are incapable of controlling the amount of noise they make. Pleas for quiet are met with vacuous blank stares because children literally have no category for quiet. It doesn't exist in their universe.
• Kids steal your sanity. In what world does it make sense for a responsible adult to be engaged in negotiations with a 3 year old over appropriate behavior? It happens all the time though. Kids take in-utero courses on how to get their own way all the time and it takes significant re-training to help them not be self absorbed, narcissistic, megalomaniacs. Good luck!
• Parenting requires more gear and apparatus' than camping ever does. Pumps, pack n plays, strollers, baby carriers, seats, bottles toys, and diapers are just the beginning. 
• Poop becomes a normal and accepted part of conversations with many friends. It's a weird and unavoidable thing. 
• Kids leak lots of disgusting things out of their bodies. Diapers have about a 90% success rate on containment. Eyes, ears, nose, and mouth are all in various states of seepage most of the time as well. Just plan on buying a new wardrobe after your kids are potty trained.
• Once you have kids you no longer matter to your parents. It's as if you were raised for the singular purpose of producing grandchildren after which you are a bit of a vestigial remnant of the family tree.
• Chaos and messiness are the natural state of things when children are around. I don't know how long or how much work it takes to get kids to change on this and despair is starting to set in for my wife and I. 
• As much as you don't want to turn in to your parents, you will once you have kids. Embrace it early so that your realization of that fact doesn't come upon you later in a crushing moment of clarity. 
• One positive thing I didn't know before kids was that they make excellent scapegoats for messes, noise, smells, things being lost and all manner of other minor household calamities. 

For anyone not familiar with my wife or me, these are all said tongue in cheek with great sarcasm and hyperbole. We wouldn't actually reconsider having our girls and are currently considering adding to their number. There is no need to call child protection services.

If you are a parent you probably have your own list of things that would have been  helpful to know before having kids. I'd love to hear what things you've learned.