I jest. Seriously Erica, sorry about using you for a joke. It was funny in my head. Maybe I should delete it? Never mind.
Getting back to me always being right, the truth is that none of us is 'right' as often as we think we are. Even when we are right in an argument we aren't happy with just knowing we are right. We have to prove that we are right even if it comes at a cost.
In nearly every context we find ourselves we end up trying to prove, justify, and otherwise convince ourselves or others that we are 'right'.
Our viewpoint is right.
Our behavior is justified.
Our attitudes are warranted.
We have all the facts we need.
And so on and so on. Fill in the script from your own internal dialogue.
It doesn't matter if it is with family, friends, or coworkers or if it is related to politics, social problems, or interpersonal issues, there is something about the human heart that likes to be right and that likes others to know we are right. All of this creates collateral damage to people and relationships that we seemingly don't care about as long as we are right.
We need to be aware of what being 'right' can cost us. The desire to be right at all costs can be really hard to fight and can lead us to say things in a manner that is entirely unhelpful. I have painfully learned that it is possible to win an argument while simultaneously losing the person. I can be right, prove I am right to another person, and in the process turn that person's heart away from me.
I majored in philosophy in college, and while I am a poor philosopher, I feel like I was well trained to know how to appear 'right' even when I don't have much solid ground to stand on. Couple this skill of arguing well with my often proud and defensive heart and you have a recipe for disaster. If my desire is simply to be right without regard for the relationship or without concern for the manner in which I prove I am right, it becomes very easy to push people away. Having to always prove that I am right can become a very lonely experience.
This impulse to prove myself as being 'right' in arguments or discussions runs deep for me. Maybe it is just me but there is a very tempting kind of satisfaction that comes from proving another's point of view to be wrong. I've had to work hard to fight against this desire to prove myself to be right.
So what to do when that impulse to prove myself comes up? I have learned that both grace and truth are necessary and that the fight for a relationship is often more important than the fight for the truth. So, to help me fight that internal, self protecting and self justifying tendency I have a few questions that help me get perspective on when to to fight to be right and when to let it go.
In nearly every context we find ourselves we end up trying to prove, justify, and otherwise convince ourselves or others that we are 'right'.
Our viewpoint is right.
Our behavior is justified.
Our attitudes are warranted.
We have all the facts we need.
And so on and so on. Fill in the script from your own internal dialogue.
It doesn't matter if it is with family, friends, or coworkers or if it is related to politics, social problems, or interpersonal issues, there is something about the human heart that likes to be right and that likes others to know we are right. All of this creates collateral damage to people and relationships that we seemingly don't care about as long as we are right.
We need to be aware of what being 'right' can cost us. The desire to be right at all costs can be really hard to fight and can lead us to say things in a manner that is entirely unhelpful. I have painfully learned that it is possible to win an argument while simultaneously losing the person. I can be right, prove I am right to another person, and in the process turn that person's heart away from me.
I majored in philosophy in college, and while I am a poor philosopher, I feel like I was well trained to know how to appear 'right' even when I don't have much solid ground to stand on. Couple this skill of arguing well with my often proud and defensive heart and you have a recipe for disaster. If my desire is simply to be right without regard for the relationship or without concern for the manner in which I prove I am right, it becomes very easy to push people away. Having to always prove that I am right can become a very lonely experience.
This impulse to prove myself as being 'right' in arguments or discussions runs deep for me. Maybe it is just me but there is a very tempting kind of satisfaction that comes from proving another's point of view to be wrong. I've had to work hard to fight against this desire to prove myself to be right.
So what to do when that impulse to prove myself comes up? I have learned that both grace and truth are necessary and that the fight for a relationship is often more important than the fight for the truth. So, to help me fight that internal, self protecting and self justifying tendency I have a few questions that help me get perspective on when to to fight to be right and when to let it go.
- Is this person important?
- The answer is always yes, although with varying degrees. My daughters have greater claim on me than my neighbor who in turn has greater claim on me than someone from a comment section on a blog.
- Is this subject important?
- Be honest and objective. Don't let emotions or the moment carry you away. Avoid patterns or habits of confrontation or debate that can come to define a relationship with someone. I have watched my girls fight over who had which colored cup last and been frustrated only to remember doing the same thing as a kid. People sure love to fight over dumb stuff, sometimes even forgetting what they are fighting over.
- Would being 'right' sever or significantly damage the relationship or prevent future opportunities for being a positive or winsome voice to the person?
- You can be 'right' once with a person and never again have an opportunity to engage them because of it. While I hate the combative posture it assumes I think there is some wisdom in the phrase "you can lose a battle to win the war". Preserving a relationship, building deeper trust and coming back another time to re-engage the discussion is a valuable thing.
- Do I have all the facts? Is the subject more complicated than I am acknowledging?
- A lot of times we operate on a partial set of information. If you are getting your talking points from any major media source it is guaranteed that you are operating from a purposefully screened set of facts! If you haven't allowed your spouse to explain his or her side your not ready to give your side. The more important the subject the more time you should spend digging for information.
- Have I heard the other side and given serious, honest consideration to why someone thinks the way they do?
- Beyond investigating the facts, work hard to have empathy. Look at what experiences or feelings or religious/worldview perspectives are informing their views. Your dismissal of an issue near and dear to someone else's heart can be just as damaging as your arguments against their views. Listen well before ever speaking.
A humble and honest conversation is a rare thing in today's world. Check out a comment section online, watch some political discourse, or tune in to the idiots professionals paid to talk about politics if you need examples. You don't need to follow their example. Unless you are needing votes or getting paid to appear 'right' there is simply no need for that kind of rancor. For myself I hope that my marriage, friendships, other relationships are never marked by such ugly discourse.
Slow down that internal compulsion to prove you are right and acknowledge that the person across from you is probably more important than the issue between you. It might save friendship or marriage. Or it might open new doors for enriching your life through friendship with folks you have previously dismissed. In the long run, it might even give you a greater chance to prove you are right if you still care to do so.
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