To Thine Own Self Be True

"To thine own self be true".

In our post-modern world this line from Shakespeare is a horrible bit of advice especially if thine own true self has a track record of being not such a great person. How can people not see the idiocy of every person being true only to themselves? Oh what a rabbit trail that could be to write on!

Anyway, I don't want to chase down the insanity of post-modern ethical constructs with their groundless and subjective and individualized underpinnings. Instead, I actually want to defend "to thine own self be true" in one specific way that has helped me tremendously in my own growth as as a leader and as a Christian.

For years of my life I carried a very deep and heavy sense of not being "enough" to ever really be a leader. I didn't look like, talk like, or think like what I thought leaders were supposed to look, talk, or think like. I certainly didn't have the charisma to be a leader and couldn't command attention or earn respect like I thought I should. As a shy and introverted person I just couldn't see myself in my pastors, leaders, and coaches and certainly not in more famous or public leaders. I intuitively felt I didn't have what it took to be a leader.

The trouble with this view of myself and leadership was that even though I often had a yearning to be a leader I could see no way of ever becoming one. The best I could picture for myself and the best most others ever saw for me was the possibility to 'lead by example'. When I would hear this about myself I felt like I was just being told I was nice or smart but lacking the capacity to inspire, equip, or mobilize others in a more direct or significant manner. When push came to shove and when the stakes were high I wouldn't have much to offer and would need to step aside for someone else who had the personality to get things done.

So what does Shakespeare have to do with any of this? My sense of not being 'enough' lead to years of trying to become enough, which in my case, really meant becoming someone else. I felt that if I were to lead I couldn't be true to myself.

I spent several years, mostly through college, trying to grow into and become what I thought a leader needed to be: outgoing, energetic, commanding, etc., etc., etc.  I jumped at opportunities to lead thinking that I really could force myself to become someone different. I piled the pressure of needing to  fit a certain image of a leader on top of the actual leadership roles themselves to go along with school, football, track, and everything else that college offers.

Those were some of the most emotionally draining and spiritually dry years of my life. Perhaps you know the brokenness and hurt that comes from trying to live up to expectations that are neither realistic or necessary. As a Christian I certainly wasn't extending grace to myself and trusting God to use me as he had gifted me: quiet, introverted, thoughtful, sometimes smart/sometimes silly, and eager to serve.

My faith ought to have let me rest in Christ and be at peace rather than struggling with the jealousy and anxiety that comes from failing to measure up. Being finite and fallen is everyone's reality but I wasn't allowing that for myself. I wasn't being true to myself in the sense that I didn't know how to lead or walk with God as my own person.

At some point shortly after college I must have gotten tired of playing that game because I slowly have become much more at peace with leading with the gifts and skills that come naturally to me. I recently learned that introversion was only recently removed from many lists of personality disorders which seems to fit with my own growing self awareness.  For years that is what I felt was wrong with me: there is something wrong with me that I need to fix. Thanks be to God that I no longer feel that need to fix myself. Besides, the 'Big Fix' that we celebrate at Easter takes care of the only 'fix' that I have ever really needed.

Over the past decade most of the growth in my walk with God and as a leader have come as I have found my voice, been given opportunity to share from my gifts, and grown in my ability to step out of my comfort zone to speak up and speak out. Learning to connect with God in those ways that come most naturally to me rather than only in the ways others connect to God has been an beautiful experience. Learning to lead and being given opportunities to lead according to how I lead best has even reshaped my goals for family, work, and ministry.

I am still in process and it has taken years to get even this far as a leader. I am finally starting to be 'true to myself' in the sense that I am trusting God to use my strengths, gifts, and skills even while looking around and seeing others leading in very different ways. For my walk with God I am now pursuing relationship with him in ways that fit me rather than trying to duplicate what I see others doing.

So please, if you are working with those quiet and introverted young people who 'lead by example,' help them find their voice and give them a platform that they might not naturally demand. Chances are that if you respect their 'example' you would be wise to help them gain the skills and confidence to lead in other ways as well. Wouldn't you rather have an 'example' you can trust in leadership rather than a 'personality' that you can't trust?

Have a conversation about the blessings and capacities that introverts bring to leadership. If not introverted yourself work hard to connect those young leaders to leaders that they can see themselves becoming. Help them be true to those gifts, skills, and passions that they have been given. To those who did so for me, thank you.